I don't want to go too into this but I have three families, mom, stepdad and dad. My Dad's family is the only one who knows and accepts (unconditionally and lovingly) that I am converting to Judaism. My mother tells me that she feels she has failed me as a mother and that it will break her parents hearts, and she also told me that telling my step-dad's family would cause them grief because they would be distraught I was going to hell and would feel an obligation to stop me from converting and make me accept Jesus as God.
Lovely I know, however it turns out one of my cousins on my stepdad's side CONVERTED TO JUDAISM! I have jewish family! This is incredibly exciting for me. I'll probably report more later today after talking to her, but I hope that she and i will grow closer and help eachother through our families intolerance and this exciting new world! Maybe she can come over tonight for the lighting of shabbat candles! I am super excited.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Hosea 11:9
I will not act on my wrath
I will not turn and destroy Ephram
For I am God, not man.
I will not come in fury.
First I wanted to do my book report on the Sunflower, and having read it I found numerous topics to discuss within that, not only on forgiveness but on accountability. The existence of freewill and it’s place in times of great turmoil, and finally about what distinguishes a man from a monster and how one can transition into another. Then having talked to Rabbi Lippe I thought about doing the Song of Solomon due to my blossoming relationship with Desiree. However that particular work puts me in the mindset to write poetry not essays, so I will spare you and I on that.
After attending Shabbat services last Saturday and hearing the Haftorah I have changed my mind yet again and decided to write my report on a single verse of text from my Jewish Study Bible. Specificly Hosea chapter 11, verse 9, as quoted above. Even then there is one line of this that stands out above all others. “I am God, not man” This single statement of being has been the corner stone of my personal Faith for as long as I can remember. I have always tried to express this thought to people using complicated verbage, or an elevated vocabulary but it really all boils down to four simple words. We are not God. I believe three things firmly, all others are thoughts I feel I can learn more about, can question. These are: A) There is one God. B) God is a loving God. And C) God is completely out of reach of human comprehension.
By out of reach I don’t mean inaccessible, on the contrary I firmly believe that it is very easy to reach, touch and feel the presence of God in our every day, minute to minute lives. (If we spend the energy to focus enough to be aware of it anyway) What I mean is that I believe that God is not limited in the way humanity is. God is not tethered to the feelings, fears, jealousies and pain that is such a integral part of our lives. I believe God is capable of feeling these things with us, sharing in our experience the way no one else can, but I do not believe they define God as they define us.
Everyday I hear people talk about their hatreds, bigotries and phobias. The justification always seems to come clad in a black leather bound book, “God hates fags” “Divorce is a abomination before the lord” “They all died because they sinned, God was angry with them” The God that condemns any person for the way they were created, for being in love or spreading love, is not good, but petty and truly human in thought, small minded. If God is in every moment and every experience, then there can be no blanket, for everyone. God knows each individual’s life more intimately than they themselves do, which would lead me to believe that perhaps sometimes God is angry with us, as we know what is not right, what is hurtful to others and do it anyway for our own gain. But God is also sympathetic with our ordeals. Again, Jews obviously allow for divorce, in fact it seems to be an obligation rather than staying in an unhealthy relationship, and yet people still condemn it. There are people who say that God would rather a couple stay married in an abusive relationship than be happy, which does not seem loving to me.
I speak a lot about how loving and kind god is, which hopefully speaks to the rest of this verse “I will not come in fury” I believe we can link these two lines as one. “For I am God not man, I will not come in fury” in otherwords; Because I am not chained to the petty hatred that humans are, I will not act out in cruelty or anger. I would like to think of this as a Mitzvah. And as a non-jewish, non-Hebrew speaking not-yet-converted 20-something, I’m sure the CCAR and Talmudic scholars are terribly interested in what I have to say, but: You shall not compare yourself to God, you shall not bind god to your level of understanding, you will not claim hatred in God’s name. “I hate gays because God hates gays” “I hate Arabs because God hates Arabs” “Well obviously if God loved Christians he wouldn’t have wiped out so much of Louisiana and Mississippi (mostly southern baptist states both) or “the Jew is a devil and God wants them dead” (all things I have heard with my own two ears.
A savy person might point out that even as I state that god is incomprehensible to human minds, that god is unexplainable, that I seem to be arguing my particular bias of a loving god . How do I know that it isn’t rage and hatred that god is filled with and not love as I suggest? I don’t. I can’t argue against my own argument but to say it is what makes me happy to think. It is what fills me with hope and joy. And that that particular Oneg is how I identify God in my life. Now at least I have a verse to point out. “I am God not man, I will not come in fury”
In retrospect I will have to say that finding this verse was a surprise for me. In theory these are God’s own words from the mouth of a prophet. And if so they vindicate how I have always felt. It makes me feel safer. If someone is in control of all of this, I would be terrified to learn that that person was as incompetant and as like to lash out in a moment of rage as any of the people I know. People hurt one another, for gain, or simply because they enjoy hurting others. They also hurt one another for no reason or accidentally. It is the symptom of freewill. For every person who is beautiful and does wonderous things for people, that same person has the potential to cause harm. I believe that these two potentials war within a person, but I do not believe God has to struggle with whether or not to cause pain. I don’t believe God has to worry about being nasty to someone because God woke up late and didn’t drink coffee and is grumpy. All these petty little small details that make up our lives are at once beneath and part of God. And even though God understand our every moment, walks our every step and breaths our every breath. God is not us. God is not man. God is God, and will come in Loving Kindness.
I will not turn and destroy Ephram
For I am God, not man.
I will not come in fury.
First I wanted to do my book report on the Sunflower, and having read it I found numerous topics to discuss within that, not only on forgiveness but on accountability. The existence of freewill and it’s place in times of great turmoil, and finally about what distinguishes a man from a monster and how one can transition into another. Then having talked to Rabbi Lippe I thought about doing the Song of Solomon due to my blossoming relationship with Desiree. However that particular work puts me in the mindset to write poetry not essays, so I will spare you and I on that.
After attending Shabbat services last Saturday and hearing the Haftorah I have changed my mind yet again and decided to write my report on a single verse of text from my Jewish Study Bible. Specificly Hosea chapter 11, verse 9, as quoted above. Even then there is one line of this that stands out above all others. “I am God, not man” This single statement of being has been the corner stone of my personal Faith for as long as I can remember. I have always tried to express this thought to people using complicated verbage, or an elevated vocabulary but it really all boils down to four simple words. We are not God. I believe three things firmly, all others are thoughts I feel I can learn more about, can question. These are: A) There is one God. B) God is a loving God. And C) God is completely out of reach of human comprehension.
By out of reach I don’t mean inaccessible, on the contrary I firmly believe that it is very easy to reach, touch and feel the presence of God in our every day, minute to minute lives. (If we spend the energy to focus enough to be aware of it anyway) What I mean is that I believe that God is not limited in the way humanity is. God is not tethered to the feelings, fears, jealousies and pain that is such a integral part of our lives. I believe God is capable of feeling these things with us, sharing in our experience the way no one else can, but I do not believe they define God as they define us.
Everyday I hear people talk about their hatreds, bigotries and phobias. The justification always seems to come clad in a black leather bound book, “God hates fags” “Divorce is a abomination before the lord” “They all died because they sinned, God was angry with them” The God that condemns any person for the way they were created, for being in love or spreading love, is not good, but petty and truly human in thought, small minded. If God is in every moment and every experience, then there can be no blanket, for everyone. God knows each individual’s life more intimately than they themselves do, which would lead me to believe that perhaps sometimes God is angry with us, as we know what is not right, what is hurtful to others and do it anyway for our own gain. But God is also sympathetic with our ordeals. Again, Jews obviously allow for divorce, in fact it seems to be an obligation rather than staying in an unhealthy relationship, and yet people still condemn it. There are people who say that God would rather a couple stay married in an abusive relationship than be happy, which does not seem loving to me.
I speak a lot about how loving and kind god is, which hopefully speaks to the rest of this verse “I will not come in fury” I believe we can link these two lines as one. “For I am God not man, I will not come in fury” in otherwords; Because I am not chained to the petty hatred that humans are, I will not act out in cruelty or anger. I would like to think of this as a Mitzvah. And as a non-jewish, non-Hebrew speaking not-yet-converted 20-something, I’m sure the CCAR and Talmudic scholars are terribly interested in what I have to say, but: You shall not compare yourself to God, you shall not bind god to your level of understanding, you will not claim hatred in God’s name. “I hate gays because God hates gays” “I hate Arabs because God hates Arabs” “Well obviously if God loved Christians he wouldn’t have wiped out so much of Louisiana and Mississippi (mostly southern baptist states both) or “the Jew is a devil and God wants them dead” (all things I have heard with my own two ears.
A savy person might point out that even as I state that god is incomprehensible to human minds, that god is unexplainable, that I seem to be arguing my particular bias of a loving god . How do I know that it isn’t rage and hatred that god is filled with and not love as I suggest? I don’t. I can’t argue against my own argument but to say it is what makes me happy to think. It is what fills me with hope and joy. And that that particular Oneg is how I identify God in my life. Now at least I have a verse to point out. “I am God not man, I will not come in fury”
In retrospect I will have to say that finding this verse was a surprise for me. In theory these are God’s own words from the mouth of a prophet. And if so they vindicate how I have always felt. It makes me feel safer. If someone is in control of all of this, I would be terrified to learn that that person was as incompetant and as like to lash out in a moment of rage as any of the people I know. People hurt one another, for gain, or simply because they enjoy hurting others. They also hurt one another for no reason or accidentally. It is the symptom of freewill. For every person who is beautiful and does wonderous things for people, that same person has the potential to cause harm. I believe that these two potentials war within a person, but I do not believe God has to struggle with whether or not to cause pain. I don’t believe God has to worry about being nasty to someone because God woke up late and didn’t drink coffee and is grumpy. All these petty little small details that make up our lives are at once beneath and part of God. And even though God understand our every moment, walks our every step and breaths our every breath. God is not us. God is not man. God is God, and will come in Loving Kindness.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Prayer and Books
So, I said I would talk more about prayer and how I've started praying every day. But I only have about thirty minutes before I start Shabbat. So, I guess i'll do that now and talk about Yom Kippur on sunday.
Prayer has become something very import in my life once more. I haven't really felt that connection to God in a very long time. And i don't necessarily credit CBI or my recent conversion in gifting me with this connection.
I do credit attempting to live a jewish life, the torah study, the weekly services (twice a week usually for me) as giving me the kavanah to focus my innerself and make the connection personally. What I do is every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep I stand infront of my little Shabbat Alter, (I posted a picture of it before) which has my Hebrew Torah on it and I say the Baruchu intro, having said that in hebrew I switch to english and thank god for the blessings I've recieved since I last prayed and then ask for strength or endurance. I always feel that the words and intention is pulled from somewhere deep inside, I don't have to consider my words or my thoughts. They just come and God willing they are heard.
I did go to the Jewish book fair and got to listen to Rodger Kamentetz talk about his new book which is about Kafka and Reb Nachman. And their kabbalistic and storytelling methodology, so unwittingly I bought a book (and got it signed) that I will likely lovingly devour. Rodger also signed the copy of the Jew in the Lotus that my friend Phillip had lent me, so that I kind of got phillip a gift in the signature. Although now I need to go out and buy a new Jew in the Lotus book.
Thank you Mr. Kamentetz for taking time to come and talk to us I found your lecture fascinating and enlightening and look foreward to reading your book. (next thursday I will be seeing Joel Chasnoff and hearing about his experiences in the IDF.)
Shabbat Shalom!
Prayer has become something very import in my life once more. I haven't really felt that connection to God in a very long time. And i don't necessarily credit CBI or my recent conversion in gifting me with this connection.
I do credit attempting to live a jewish life, the torah study, the weekly services (twice a week usually for me) as giving me the kavanah to focus my innerself and make the connection personally. What I do is every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep I stand infront of my little Shabbat Alter, (I posted a picture of it before) which has my Hebrew Torah on it and I say the Baruchu intro, having said that in hebrew I switch to english and thank god for the blessings I've recieved since I last prayed and then ask for strength or endurance. I always feel that the words and intention is pulled from somewhere deep inside, I don't have to consider my words or my thoughts. They just come and God willing they are heard.
I did go to the Jewish book fair and got to listen to Rodger Kamentetz talk about his new book which is about Kafka and Reb Nachman. And their kabbalistic and storytelling methodology, so unwittingly I bought a book (and got it signed) that I will likely lovingly devour. Rodger also signed the copy of the Jew in the Lotus that my friend Phillip had lent me, so that I kind of got phillip a gift in the signature. Although now I need to go out and buy a new Jew in the Lotus book.
Thank you Mr. Kamentetz for taking time to come and talk to us I found your lecture fascinating and enlightening and look foreward to reading your book. (next thursday I will be seeing Joel Chasnoff and hearing about his experiences in the IDF.)
Shabbat Shalom!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Holistic Humanity
So this has very little to do with Judaism other than as perhaps a springboard on my growing awareness of people. I was struck while listening to the character of C.S. Lewis from Shadowlands, talking about how pain doesn't make something more real or even more significant. I started to think about how no one person can experience everything. One person can't even experience a minority of the gambit of human experiences there are.
I don't know if that minor statement could even begin to scratch the hugeness of that fact. Imagine first, a man whose never loved someone, never been in love, never physically been with another human being. Think about how lonely that man is. Think about how sad, and what experiences he has. Now think of a man who's slept his way through college, fell in love got married and then, one night his wife was killed in a mugging gone wrong, that man's pain. Everything that hurts, how he deals with that. And those are two negative examples. Two specific tiny examples.
If we recognize how flabergastingly different these two lives are, the minds, and-4 the choices then we could begin to understand how every single life on the planet is completely unique, completely kodesh. (hebrew for holy, it also means singular, unique, special.) It should stagger the mind. Think of every choice you make, think of making a different choice just once in one moment of your life. That changes everything your experience is now completely different.
Humanity is a huge organism, or if you prefer humanity is a single person, with the experiences of each and every individual making up the global conscious. I'm positive that I'm getting into some Kabbalic thoughtlines here, but I'm not really trying to at the moment, maybe a bit latter, Right now I want to present this.
Six Billion people at anytime, at any moment. Millions being born, countless people have allready died. And God knows all of them. Every choice, every sadness every victory. Every experience that none of us can know or even begin to comprehend, God has experienced with us, and feels us, and loves each and everyone of those human beings not despite of these choices not because of these choices, but because God created us, and is present in every choice we make, wether we acknowledge it or not.
That brings me great comfort, great joy, it makes me feel special and loved, and it makes me feel holy, and a part of the whole.
I don't know if that minor statement could even begin to scratch the hugeness of that fact. Imagine first, a man whose never loved someone, never been in love, never physically been with another human being. Think about how lonely that man is. Think about how sad, and what experiences he has. Now think of a man who's slept his way through college, fell in love got married and then, one night his wife was killed in a mugging gone wrong, that man's pain. Everything that hurts, how he deals with that. And those are two negative examples. Two specific tiny examples.
If we recognize how flabergastingly different these two lives are, the minds, and-4 the choices then we could begin to understand how every single life on the planet is completely unique, completely kodesh. (hebrew for holy, it also means singular, unique, special.) It should stagger the mind. Think of every choice you make, think of making a different choice just once in one moment of your life. That changes everything your experience is now completely different.
Humanity is a huge organism, or if you prefer humanity is a single person, with the experiences of each and every individual making up the global conscious. I'm positive that I'm getting into some Kabbalic thoughtlines here, but I'm not really trying to at the moment, maybe a bit latter, Right now I want to present this.
Six Billion people at anytime, at any moment. Millions being born, countless people have allready died. And God knows all of them. Every choice, every sadness every victory. Every experience that none of us can know or even begin to comprehend, God has experienced with us, and feels us, and loves each and everyone of those human beings not despite of these choices not because of these choices, but because God created us, and is present in every choice we make, wether we acknowledge it or not.
That brings me great comfort, great joy, it makes me feel special and loved, and it makes me feel holy, and a part of the whole.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Books!
I mentioned wanting some books in an earlier post, I thought I would expand on that list a little. List them here and then add to the list as I think of things. Take them off when I get them, A running list for myself if nothing else.
I asked Rabbi Baker to comment on my journal when he can, He runs http://www.everybodyneedsarabbi.com/ So you should check him out, I'll get more into the various rabbi's and what I think of them later. Another thing I would like to talk about is a) the jewish prayer and relationship between god and the people. and b) the nature of humanity and the global relationship, which I really want to get into before any rabbi begins commenting on my Journal. So maybe I can get that done later today.
Torah: (ok yes I know I have four allready, but CBI sells one that has the Haftorah section right after each Torah portion, which I think would be both useful and fun, for studying at home for instance)
ANOTHER TORAH!: er yeah, another Torah, Rabbi Olshien mentioned the existance of a Torah that was translated word for word from hebrew into english with no bias and no agenda, meaning that everything in this translation is word for word. that sounds FASCINATING!
The Jew in the Lotus: I want to get my copy signed by the author this month.
The Zohar: (I adore mysticism and folklore, the idea of a book that merely tried to bring beauty and magic back to Torah is really amazing, I do not want anything to do with the Kabbalah Center and I would really really be annoyed if the only copy I could get my hands on was one edited by a member of the Golden Dawn, if you want to know more about the Golden Dawn I'd be happy to expound in a future post on Mysticism and modern magic, just comment here that you want to see it.
On your Doorpost (rabbi Lippe, please correct the title and gimme the author!) A guidebook with blessings prayers and rituals for living in a Jewish Home.
Legends of the Jews/Legends of the Bible: (Legends of the Jews is a huge collection of all the Midrash of the Torah combined and brought together interlinked into beautiful stories, The Legends of the Bible is essentially the condensed version of the same.)
I asked Rabbi Baker to comment on my journal when he can, He runs http://www.everybodyneedsarabbi.com/ So you should check him out, I'll get more into the various rabbi's and what I think of them later. Another thing I would like to talk about is a) the jewish prayer and relationship between god and the people. and b) the nature of humanity and the global relationship, which I really want to get into before any rabbi begins commenting on my Journal. So maybe I can get that done later today.
Torah: (ok yes I know I have four allready, but CBI sells one that has the Haftorah section right after each Torah portion, which I think would be both useful and fun, for studying at home for instance)
ANOTHER TORAH!: er yeah, another Torah, Rabbi Olshien mentioned the existance of a Torah that was translated word for word from hebrew into english with no bias and no agenda, meaning that everything in this translation is word for word. that sounds FASCINATING!
The Jew in the Lotus: I want to get my copy signed by the author this month.
The Zohar: (I adore mysticism and folklore, the idea of a book that merely tried to bring beauty and magic back to Torah is really amazing, I do not want anything to do with the Kabbalah Center and I would really really be annoyed if the only copy I could get my hands on was one edited by a member of the Golden Dawn, if you want to know more about the Golden Dawn I'd be happy to expound in a future post on Mysticism and modern magic, just comment here that you want to see it.
On your Doorpost (rabbi Lippe, please correct the title and gimme the author!) A guidebook with blessings prayers and rituals for living in a Jewish Home.
Legends of the Jews/Legends of the Bible: (Legends of the Jews is a huge collection of all the Midrash of the Torah combined and brought together interlinked into beautiful stories, The Legends of the Bible is essentially the condensed version of the same.)
Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Family Issues
It just keeps getting busier and busier for me lately. I'm trying to keep up with studies, a play, work, love and social obligations, For those of you who don't know I'm in a play called "Shadow Lands" you can get more information about it at TrinityStreetPlayers.com it would be a great support if you could come and show your face there. Make an effort to reserve a seat if you can.
Otherwise my LJL class continues unabated, as well as my journy into living a jewish life personally. I lit the Shabbat candles this friday, and am getting a little better with my hebrew pronunciation. I am dedicated to trying to learn the hebrew alphabet in the next three weeks so I can go to the Torah Trope class that Rabbi Olshien is conducting for sunday school fairly soon. My journal entry suggestion says to "write something you would like to include in your Rosh Hashanah ritual" and frankly I've never done anything for Rosh Hashana other than go to a service once years ago. So I suppose this year I'm looking forward to everything I can do, the wine, the apples and honey, the Shofar, everything. I am pretty unhappy that I'm missing the class on Rosh Hashana it means I'll need to do all my own research without much help. My one regret going into all of this is that I do not have any jewish friends. I would really and truly like to have a jewish friend who is capable of showing me the way and the ropes for everything. Someone who I can share this with and who knows more than I do.
I feel more than ever a need to talk to a counselor. Once more my mother and I talked about my conversion, she cried this time. And talked about how much this decision would hurt my grandparents, and how much it hurt her. She told me that she felt as though she had failed me as a mother. It really hurt me to hear those words. I want her support and love. But this is why I didn't tell her for so long.
I am starting to read my assigned book for this semester "The Sunflower" It's about a prisoner in a concentration camp being called in by a dying SS officer who wants to absolve himself. So it's about forgiviness. The first part is simply the story the second part of the book is scholars and other learned and spiritual individuals reacting to it. I think it will be a good story, and hopefully I'll post my report to this blog.
Shalom
Otherwise my LJL class continues unabated, as well as my journy into living a jewish life personally. I lit the Shabbat candles this friday, and am getting a little better with my hebrew pronunciation. I am dedicated to trying to learn the hebrew alphabet in the next three weeks so I can go to the Torah Trope class that Rabbi Olshien is conducting for sunday school fairly soon. My journal entry suggestion says to "write something you would like to include in your Rosh Hashanah ritual" and frankly I've never done anything for Rosh Hashana other than go to a service once years ago. So I suppose this year I'm looking forward to everything I can do, the wine, the apples and honey, the Shofar, everything. I am pretty unhappy that I'm missing the class on Rosh Hashana it means I'll need to do all my own research without much help. My one regret going into all of this is that I do not have any jewish friends. I would really and truly like to have a jewish friend who is capable of showing me the way and the ropes for everything. Someone who I can share this with and who knows more than I do.
I feel more than ever a need to talk to a counselor. Once more my mother and I talked about my conversion, she cried this time. And talked about how much this decision would hurt my grandparents, and how much it hurt her. She told me that she felt as though she had failed me as a mother. It really hurt me to hear those words. I want her support and love. But this is why I didn't tell her for so long.
I am starting to read my assigned book for this semester "The Sunflower" It's about a prisoner in a concentration camp being called in by a dying SS officer who wants to absolve himself. So it's about forgiviness. The first part is simply the story the second part of the book is scholars and other learned and spiritual individuals reacting to it. I think it will be a good story, and hopefully I'll post my report to this blog.
Shalom
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