The Ugly Untruth

I am filled with guilt. I was extremely nasty to my mother. I attacked her beliefs and was incredibly rude. And I feel awful. My mother and I constantly talk about my conversion and she brings up every time why she has trouble accepting it and how dissapointed she is, and how she feels as though she failed me as a mother for not instilling a christian core in me, which to me sounds like brainwashing. In the past I have defended myself and my religion on purely positive tones:

I am a better person now.
I have a closer relationship with god.
I am part of a community.

And various things that Judaism and christianity have together. But all i got was that she was a fundamentalist and that i was going to hell.
The other day on the phone, I told her "That it's a shame there is a religion based on a Jesus, when Jesus himself would be repulsed by the religion it was" And I snarled it. Is said it in a completely angry hateful voice to my mother.

That is not ok. Firstly I should never talk to my parents like that. Ever. They did their best raising me and they didn't do a bad job, they weren't negligent and I never went hungry or without shelter. and secondly, while defending my believes I should never attack another persons' beliefs. Ever. By Attacking someone else's faith you immediatly discredit your own. It was a huge step backwards, and I feel awful for what I said and the way I said it.

To clarify now, what I meant is that, there is no point in the bible where Jesus claims to be the Messiah, at least not as far as what secular non biased translators have told me.

secondly even if Jesus did say that he is the messiah, and the savior and only through acceptance of him can one get into heaven, he certainly did not say "only through southern baptist" or "only through the roman catholic church" or "only through pentecostals." It sounds a bit ridiculous when it's said like that.
What Jesus said, as far as I can see is "Through me is the keys of heaven"
I interpret this not as a messianic statement but as a two fold statement. Through my example, and through my teachings. A nonviolent man who did as the Torah command, a young and radical rabbi, who loved the sick, the poor and the downtrodden. That is my own personal interpretation, which is what originally led me away from christianity and to Judaism.
The mysteries of Kabbalah, the beauty of the rituals and language drew me in as well, then I saw the community, and the emphasis on constantly learning and I knew I had found a home. I believe in One god, whose love knows no bounds. I believe in being a kind and wholesome person. And I need to remember that.
I need to live that. Even when I feel attacked or cornered. I have no right to attack anyone or anything in the name of religion. Not verbally, not mentally.

poetry

my mother rejects my faith
my faith rejects my body
my body rejects my Self
my Self rejects my reality
my reality rejects my dreams
my dreams reject my nature
My nature needs my faith.
My God accepts my faith.
My Faith makes my Self
My Love accepts my self.
My body accepts my love.
My reality holds my body
My dreams create my reality.

Simple I know. I feel as though I am drowning, I am uncertain, lost and very very frightened. Terrified of rejection. I cling to God and to Desiree, and I trust in them to keep me safe, and loved.

Krav MaOHMYGAH

So, been learning more and more about conversion and all the wonderful things about that. On top of that new things come up for the wedding constantly.

Desiree got her wedding dress, I got fitted for my Tuxedo, we booked two bands, two photographers, we got our honeymoon figured out, got a ketubah, asked everyone lined up for the wedding party. IE: the bestman and whom will be holding up the Chupah.

I learned two really amazing things about conversion. First as a convert I have the right to go to Israel and get Israeli citizenship, so, i'll be able to get Dual-citizenship, and one day my children will be able to, which i important to me. i think it's an important and meaningful part of the Jewish Identity.

I also decided that I would like to learn Conversational Hebrew, and Krav Maga, preferably before I go to Israel for the first time. i can't make the the birthright trip since i'm too old to do it, but It will be worth the cost.

Mysticism vs Gnosticism

I think I made up a word.

But let's make something clear, Judaism is not a gnostic religion, no hell, no satan in the way most people recognize the word. There is no Good God vs Evil God. There is no eternal spiritual war between heaven and hell. Which means 9/10 times I can't really identify with a lot of the books on mysticism and human interactions with the supernatural.


Recently I saw the Rite starring Anthony Hopkins. A very cool movie about the Catholic rite of exorcism. Exorcism has been an interesting subject to me for as long as I've been interested in mysticism. It's very difficult to seperate my new age, whole foods, very logical brain from disbelief. But I also can't dismiss a few things I've seen and most of all my feelings and instincts.

If there is no Arch-Enemy of God, then exorcism must be completely bunk. Well not necessarily. Kabbalah and various other texts allow for demons and evil spirits. Theories range from the offspring of angels come to earth (the giants who brought us weapons and war) to Gods from other religions, or they could simply be story telling aspects brought in to peek interest. Not to mention outside influence from other cultures seeping into our own beliefs. So how about what I believe?

All power comes from God, and we ourselves are created in God's image. Rabbi Dennis suggested that what that actually means is that we are imbued with a piece of God, that we have the same capability towards creating and changing the world around us. Either through creativity or through the power and "words" of god.

I can get more into the "power" of creation later. But lets assume for a moment that this is correct. All humans have the power to create, to manifest reality and effect the world around them. God is good, not all people are. With that basic fact we have a portal through which negative energy, and negative creations can enter our space.

Wow that sounded way annoyingly new age-y.

There are plenty of rules on how and where magic is acceptable in Judaism, but it boils down to a very simple idea. Witches and Magicians who are outside Judaism, who don't practice the right way, do not acknowledge God's soveriegn power, and thus take from that power and claim that it is theirs alone. Judaic mystics have various ways and methods but it boils down to bowing down before God, accepting that all power that you affect does not come from you, but from Adonai.

How much of this do I believe? That is a very interesting question, and one I can't easily answer yet.